Sex with a Narcissist
I’ve read many articles and posts about sex with a Narcissist, mostly focusing on what it means to the Narcissist. These include descriptions about how a partner and the sex act are an extension of the N’s false self, only helping to bolster the image the N has of her/himself. I’ve also seen it described as a sort of masturbation, where the other person is almost an intrusion on something the N would rather be doing alone. I view sexual activity as part of how the Narcissist has defined her/himself, and therefore having sex plays into the way a narcissist thinks.
I’ve also found that every person is different. Just as certain people prefer more touch in their everyday conversations, some N’s prefer being touched. My experience of sex with Narcissist’s is much more limited, but if the person is inclined to interact using touch, it seems they like having another person touching them during sex. It is a sort of admiration to want to touch someone, so this is in alignment with what the Narcissist wants.
Regardless, the point is not to figure out exactly what your N is doing. The point is for you to manage your life, your goals, and your desires while in the relationship with this Narcissist. It is helpful to have some idea of what your N thinks about sex, but it is not helpful to overanalyze it.
You are a person who, I assume, has sexual needs. You are deciding to stay in a relationship with your N because of something more important than your happiness in this relationship. Again, this is not the right decision for everyone. It is often the wrong decision. But if your situation has you staying in this relationship, you need to consider how you will address your own sexual needs.
Cheating is not something I recommend. First of all, I’m opposed to the idea. That is something your N is inclined to do, but doesn’t make it right for you. Secondly, if you have children, you should shudder at the idea of having a physical or covert emotional affair. You need friends for emotional support, but not for anything that looks or smells like an affair. And lastly, having an affair would give your N all kinds of ammunition to lob at you at the worst possible times. While I am progressing in terms of ignoring my N’s assaults, I’m glad she cannot refer to an affair.
Masturbating is different because it does not go outside of the realm of the relationship. Now, if your religious or other beliefs take this option off the table, then so be it. That’s the burden we sometimes bear for faith. If not, you certainly have earned some self-pleasure time. And if this is not an open conversation in your relationship, then it should remain your little secret. Yes, since anything you do can be turned against you by the Narcissist, you need to keep some secrets.
Sex with your N is a decision you need to make. Some may view the sexless relationship as the answer to the Narcissist’s behavior. They consider sex as something that gives the Narcissist power and justifies them in their behavior. You will have to consider this option.
I, however, am staying in the relationship because of the children, and still have sexual needs. I am no longer accommodating my N’s desires for sex that is all about her (massage her, go down on her, penetrate missionary style). I may still do most of that, but also like some variety and reciprocation. I will move the both of us into various positions. She will complain from time to time. If she were to say, “No,” then we would absolutely stop. But she proceeds as if she knows it is only fair to have to put a little effort or motion into the event.
Again, some people would say having sex with a Narcissist puts them in control. I say it is like any other interaction with the Narcissist. You can go about it in a way that panders to your N’s controlling behavior, or you can go about it in a way that allows you to maintain the control you need.