Am I accepting less than I am worth?

Got this question from VM over at the afternarc blog – looks like a good blog, I’ve started reading more of it.  It seemed like a worthwhile discussion to copy over to a post, so here goes:

Hi CWN,
I have had a look around your blog & I understand what you say. I have left my Narc, it really wasn’t my choice more discarded. I am curious tho do you love her? So many of the posts say that you stay because of your children. (I also have 3). Do you think when your children are older you may reassess & strive for a relationship filled with actual love rather than an acceptance of less than you are worth.
VM

Interesting question, VM. Especially the part about accepting less than I am worth. There’s a couple main parts to the answer.

First, yes, we are still together. I’ve spent a lot of time going further on the main ideas I’ve put down in this blog. I am very much into continuing to develop myself and the family. Instead of trying to follow her wants and desires, I spend more time setting my own course and letting the kids know my own opinions on how proud I am and my continuing expectations. My relationship with the kids is improved, even though I was already the one they would come to when she was wigging out.

I think the reason I was able to stay is because my N still recognizes some social limits. She seems to be aware that at some point people can see her as a manipulator, or bully, or screamer, or whatever. Every now and then she explodes on someone, but seems aware of it and spends the next few days trying to be seen as compassionate and giving in order to boost her image. It’s good to be around and to identify some of the kids’ needs at those times! But even in the normal times, she has some limits to how outrageous she will act.

Part of me wishes she didn’t have those limits. It seems like it would be so easy to leave and get the kids in a safer situation if she had no limits. But I know that’s not what I want. I’ve read enough about narcissists with no limits to know it’s a worse situation. Still, what it means for me is that I can see her restrain herself at times. But I can see a little bit of craziness in just about everyone, and I can see her as worse, but not completely off the deep end. That’s what makes me stay – I figure I’m just adapting to behavior that is worse than most, but still within the realm of what I can deal with.

Maybe that’s rationalization, but it seems to be the better solution than splitting up the family. I focus more on myself. As long as I’m able to do the things I enjoy and can continue to get better at not having to defend myself to her, then I will view it as workable.

So I’ve already touched a bit on the second part. Am I accepting less than I am worth? I look at a 50% divorce statistic in the US and figure that people are right when they say marriage is hard work, and the puppy love emotions go away and what you are left with is a decision to work with this person or call it quits.

So I figure, yes, I went through that too. And I have gone through more of that fall from strong emotions than others. In fact, maybe completely away from it. So maybe I don’t love her. But I overanalyze things, and I’m not really sure what love is. I can tell you that in my daydreams (I dream a lot), I see myself dying to save my kids. No question. But if I had to do the same for my wife, I would likely not. If a bus is coming at her, and I could push her out of the way but get run over in the process, I would opt to just yell for her to get out of the way.

Am I accepting less than what I deserve? Maybe. But I’m taking my own happiness into my own hands. I’m not going to dump her and then go rely on someone else. It’s up to me to be happy, and I’m doing a pretty good job of it. Sure, I have to deal with her, but I’ve got a pretty good routine to take care of that.

So in my view, I’ve just realized that it’s not up to her to determine my worth. She thinks everyone falls short in adoring her appropriately, so why bother seeking her approval? My worth comes from my own satisfaction that I’m doing things right. I’m always learning. I always have room to improve. But I’m much better than I was when I was seeking approval from her.